Purple People Pleaser

My mind writes a sentence, or two, or three. A drawing board of ideas. A murder mystery in a smokey and dark basement. Red threads link yellow post-it notes, and it’s hard to tell if it’s all madness or genius.

Tonight, I’ll take madness for $400, Alex.

Just kidding. Or am I? 

I have this feeling, a swirly twirly tightening in my tummy. It says: Not safe. Abandon ship. Run to safety.

But I’m just sitting here. On the couch with strappy sandal’d feet propped up, slow music filling the air, and Dave’s inaudible mumbles flowing up from him gaming in the basement.

All is still in the house but my mind.

It’s worried about the unknowns of a bridesmaid dress; its fit, cost, and whether it’ll be the right “purple”. If you were here, you’d tell me, it’s not that big of a deal, don’t worry about it, and I’d tell you you’re right.

I’m in a text chain with the other bridesmaids, and although I’m a part of it, I feel separate. I am just standing there, embarrassed, wanting to run away home and cry. Like the only person not chosen in a game of Red Rover.

I don’t know why I feel paralyzed, but I do.

Maybe it’s because I’ve never been a bridesmaid. Perhaps it’s because I’m putting undue pressure and expectations on myself. Or maybe I feel guilty for not having my cousin (who asked me to be a bridesmaid) come to my wedding in Hawaii. Perhaps I should tell her I regret not asking her to go.

Whatever I do next, thank you for letting me process and being my sounding board tonight. I’m grateful to have you.

Love, Jaclynn

Update: Bought a dress. Got confirmation it’s an acceptable color. Feeling better. Writing helps. Night night.