Somewhere between the homemade guacamole, the smell of barbecuing shish kebabs, and reconnecting in the backyard with my friend Lindsay and her family, the dark cloud that hung overhead moved on. It was a refreshing moment, a break from the heaviness that had been weighing me down.
I had recently deprioritized learning Spanish after downloading an interior design app. Today, I found myself engrossed in designing various spaces. From a fraternity guy’s bedroom to a cozy sitting room with a piano, and even a titled shower with a clawfoot bathtub, I immersed myself in the world of interior design. But now, I realized it was time to let it go.
With each level I reached and every first, second, or third place finish, I experienced a rush, a sense of accomplishment that kept me coming back for more. It was like a drug, providing just enough of a high to keep me hooked. But it wasn’t just the competition that drew me in; it was the endless possibilities of fabrics, colors, artwork, and finishes that captivated me.
However, as reluctant as I am to admit it, I need to delete the app.
In the midst of my busy mind, filled with a barrage of to-do’s, I remind myself that this is my time. If I don’t take a moment to reflect and delve deeper into my experiences, I’ll simply skim the surface and miss out on valuable insights.
I can’t quite pinpoint it, but I know I’ve changed. There’s a threshold of discomfort that I no longer find tolerable. I’ve become more conscious of redirecting conversations or physically moving myself to a place where I feel secure. To some extent, I’ve always employed these tactics, but now I notice them in subtler ways, and it feels more authentic.
Recently, I listened to a short video where an attorney shared communication advice. He said, “I do this direct stuff for a living. And if I don’t see the conversation going anywhere or don’t like what I’m hearing, I say, ‘I’m not going there.'” Although I haven’t had the opportunity to try it yet, thankfully, as no one steered the conversation to the dark side today, I found his approach intriguing. It focuses on my needs rather than making someone else feel at fault, aligning with my preferred communication techniques.
As I witnessed Archie wiggling on his backside, clearly in need of relief from itching, I set aside my laptop and went to locate the anti-itch gel. On my way back upstairs, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I noticed that my hair was tightly pulled back into a bun. It reminded me of a ballerina, something my mom had always wanted for me but ultimately, I rebelled against. I couldn’t help but wonder if her insistence hadn’t been so strong, would I have been more inclined to pursue it?
Anyway, with renewed clarity and a willingness to embrace change, I move forward, eager to explore new chapters, nurture connections that bring joy, and live the life that resonates with my authentic self.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 