When I’m in my office, fully engaged with the person sitting in front of me, it feels like they are my sole focus, my partner in crime. But as soon as our session ends and the next person enters, I’m like, “Oh yeah, you, the peanut butter to my jelly.” It’s an intriguing juggling act, and I’m grateful for those who understand my whore-like, round robin job and can embrace the complexities of my role.
For a session, I will reluctantly set a mental timer for 53 minutes, ensuring that I’ll be reimbursed by insurance, and then after writing up a note, it’s on to the next client. It’s not exactly the ideal way of fostering genuine connection. If it were up to me, I’d choose alternative methods like going for a walk, kayaking, playing cribbage, or grabbing lunch together. Unfortunately, the constraints of my profession disagrees with such approaches.
Anxiety creeps in as it’s already 9:30 PM, and I find myself in the midst of cooling a dough that I’ll fry in the morning to create French cruller donuts. After a 13-year-old client mentioned they were their favorite, I couldn’t resist trying my hand at making them. The recipe seems fairly straightforward, so fingers crossed for a successful outcome.
During a vulnerable moment with a client earlier, I opened up about the insecurity I sometimes feel during our sessions. I openly wondered if it was due to putting too much weight on their opinion of me or feeling embarrassed when I don’t have a perfectly formed thought. By acknowledging it, I hope to address and overcome this insecurity. But I also hope to have encouraged my client, who has a similar experience.
There’s a lingering fear in the back of my mind that they might decide to quit me for my vulnerable reach. It’s an irrational thought, but it’s there, whispering its doubts. Did I cross a line by sharing my deep, dark secret of feeling insecure in her presence? Will she be able to hold my vulnerability, or will my fear become realized?
I think she’ll do fine.
The doughnut dough is now in the refrigerator, cooling overnight so they’ll hold their shape when deep fried. Bang upon bang, and pop upon pop fill the air. The 3rd of July is alive and well. Yet I can’t help but think about the animals outside, especially that cute, lone deer I saw in our yard yesterday.
I’m going to skedattle. I have some Spanish homework I’d like to make some progress on before Independence Day 2023 arrives tomorrow.
It was good to see you. Talk soon. Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 