As I sit down to write, my thoughts seem to catch their breath, yet hesitant to find their voice. It’s as if they are submerged, unwilling to come to the surface.
I’ve reached a point where I no longer feel compelled to respond to someone; instead, I’m choosing the ghosting route. I know, I know, I wrote a whole post on how horrible ghosting is but trust me, this is for the best.
The sensation of being done with something is akin to removing a pebble from your shoe – a small discomfort finally resolved.
I’m coming to embrace the complexity of people’s lives – the intricacies that only become clear when you step into their shoes and grasp the full context of their actions.
I fear others’ perception of me as an inadequate mother. Their judgments, whether real or imagined, weigh on me. Consider this moment – my family is outside by the pool, my daughter, husband, and his parents enjoying the sun. I was out there earlier, diving for rings with my daughter but an awkward twist of my knee drove me indoors. The context is clear, yet my mind tends to discard nuance, clinging to black-and-white arguments that drown my rationale.
So, here I am, inside, writing – a personal hobby of mine. I also invest time in learning Spanish through an app, challenging myself to grow. Yet, by choosing this pursuit over playing with my daughter, an inner voice labels me a neglectful mother. It’s as though the worst label one can carry is that of a bad parent, and I’m ensnared by its judgmental claws digging into my psyche.
How do I address this? I often remind myself that I am more than just a mother. I am a writer, a friend, a counselor, and fundamentally, a human being. Each of these roles demands energy and commitment. The effort to make space for all these aspects of my identity is indeed work. And if someone were to criticize me for it, my instinct would be to dismiss their opinion. After all, why is it their concern?
Perhaps I’m slightly more sensitive than usual. Spending the past few weeks in our family’s homes, away from my own, has at times made me feel like I’m under scrutiny – as though every action and inaction of mine is on display.
I acknowledge that I also tend to step back, allowing other family members to engage with Evelyn. I rationalize this as providing them with the opportunity they lack due to distance. Yet, I can’t escape the feeling that this is a pretext. It’s almost as if I’m convincing myself that I don’t want to spend time with Evelyn or that my life would be better without her – a dark secret that couldn’t be further from the truth.
In reality, Evelyn is a source of joy. Her humor, sweetness, and daily growth leave me in awe. These past few weeks, being in the company of various people beyond just Dave and me, have facilitated her development. This shift from our insular family to a broader community has been transformative.
The idea of being part of a tightly-knit community resonates strongly with me. The prospect of building a house next to my sister-in-law’s, pending the right circumstances and solutions to lingering concerns, pulls me in. It feels like the right move.
In the meantime, I’ll remain grounded in reality, fulfilling my responsibilities while also nurturing my dreams. If a new adventure awaits I’ll be ready. If not this one, another one surely will come along. That’s what life’s all about, right?!
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 