Scrub-a-Dub-Dubbing

It’s interesting how certain blog posts hold more significance for me than others. Take yesterday’s post, for example. Upon reflection, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of guilt. It’s as if I had attempted to read the reader’s mind, anticipating their needs, only to realize that I fell short of meeting them. This leaves me pondering: What exactly is the benefit of doing this, if any? And, what are there only costs associated with such behavior?

One noticeable cost is that it often leaves me feeling down without any apparent reason. This sudden devaluation of myself is a pattern I seem to follow, and it perhaps it creates blind spots in other aspects of my life.

Another cost is the setting of unrealistic expectations for myself. Standards are essential, like showing up daily and giving my best effort. However, I’ve come to realize that my “best” can vary significantly from day to day. Some days it may be as simple as writing a single line or copying something I’ve previously written. Other times, my writing is polished and could easily find its place in a magazine or newspaper.

I got distracted here: the words “ongoingly” and “longingly” are curiously similar.

My thoughts then drift to my daughter, who seems to be in a state of drug-induced euphoria, alternating between excessive giddiness and helpless lows. Is it due to the first time she’s ever had hot fudge on ice cream during a movie night? If so, I can’t help but feel a sense of guilt.

Her leg hurts, and it brings back memories of my own growing pains. I remember the nights when my mom sat by my side, elevating my foot with a pillow and soothing it with a cold pack, assuring me that everything would be alright. Now, I find myself doing the same for Evelyn.

Tonight was supposed to be a night for me, with Dave heading north for a board game night with friends and Evelyn tucked in early. However, that plan seems to have gone awry. Now, I’m scrambling to find some “me time” as if it were the last dollop of toothpaste in the tube. But as we all know, those toothpaste tubes never seem to run out. So, the question is, do I stay up into the wee hours of the night, engrossed in reading and listening to music, or is it another early bedtime because that’s become my latest form of “me time”? Ah, the love for sleep!

And then, I caved! I found myself captivated by a repetitive video of a high-powered vacuum spewing steam and sucking up black water residue with each pull of its arm, leaving a clean line of off-white where once it was brown. Was it 10, 20, or 30 times of being mesmerized by its efficiency that caused me to surrender? Frankly, I don’t care. The persistent dog poop smell had to go, and I was more than ready to witness a professional carpet cleaner at work. Which will happen this Friday at 8:00am.

The crying has resumed, and I wait, wondering if it will subside or intensify. Unfortunately, it’s the latter.

In the midst of all her crying, she lost her tissue. When I found it and suggested she blow her nose, she replied, “No, that’s for me to play with.” Since parenting isn’t always straightforward, I left her with the toy tissue and fetched a real one. Now, I’m back.

I belive I’ll do a combo move of a bit of reading with a majority of sleeping. Time to get in comfy pjs.

I hope you have lovely night. Love, Jaclynn