When I have nothing to write, I take myself back in time to me, my journal, and a pen. I’d talk about my dilemmas, boy troubles, or simple updates. I liked the privacy, whereas this – obviously not that – can feel like me in a glass box writing with people peering over my shoulder.
I forget what author said this, but after their first novel was published and they gained popularity, they realized how fame impacted their anonymity’s impact on their writing. They always wished they could go back to the way it was before. But I don’t know. If I actually take a second and admit the vulnerability and rawness I’ve shared, despite knowing people would read it, I’d say it’s close if not the same as if I were journaling.
I admit I do censor and hold back in some areas. Like, for example, in my thoughts on our potential move to Georgia. Since I’ve gone back and forth on the daily on the subject, I haven’t wanted to take you along for that whiplashy ride. Dave and my close friends, sure, but you, I don’t want to do that to you.
But then again it’s what’s real with me. Two equally wonderful options – to stay or to go – and each comes with its own consequences. By staying, I fear I would never know whether this opportunity is what I dreamed it could be. The small-town community, the connections, and my belief that Evelyn being raised in that environment could be as magical as what I was raised in. Or going, I fear I’d be risking something already great for a subpar payoff. Like, the change puts me in a place where I can’t recover from. And this was my idea.
I think a risk is if this doesn’t work out how I’d feel toward myself. And what I’ve put other people through. See? That’s such an unhelpful thing I’m doing here, what I’m putting other people through. Sure, I get that my choices impact others, and I accept that. And just like my good friend Lindsay said about this very subject over Facetime this morning, “It’s a good problem to have people loving you and not wanting you to leave.” And I have to agree. It is a good problem to have. I just need to find a balance between what I need to do and allowing other people their grief, anger, whatever.
For now, I’m in the process of prepping the house. Even if by spring we don’t sell, this place is going to be in tip-top shape. Carpet cleaners coming in the morning remind me that I need to move some furniture. Let’s keep chatting about this, huh? I could use a space to let this out. Thank you for hearing me.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 