Couples counseling is akin to me, the head chef, trying to understand a meal’s preparation process as the cooks responsible for it share their methods. Today, in the metaphorical kitchen, I observed the two cooks unfortunate inability to see each other’s perspective, an escalation of emotions, swearing, and a heaping of mistrust in assembling their “meal.”
At times, I found myself pointing out the excessive use of pepper and asking, “Does that much spice really work for you?” Or, I’d highlight a disparity between their goal of crafting a delicious dish and their using chunky milk, which clearly won’t lead them to success.
However, quite often, even when both parties acknowledge that something isn’t working, it seems as if their habitual approach to relationship issues is so deeply ingrained that they can’t resist the urge to revert to old patterns. The conversation turns into a blame game, with phrases like “Well, you don’t do this” countered with “Well, you don’t either.” In response, I gently remind them, “Hey, guys, there are no cooking utensils in that drawer.”
However, the intensity of these moments occasionally makes me question my role in it all as it can appear they’re savoring a revolting dish while arguing its deliciousness. Then they resort to heading to opposite ends of the kitchen, taking off their aprons, and stubbornly declaring, “I’m not gonna.”
Despite the immaturity and the emotional harm, I am aware that the research shows that the amount of conflict a couple enters counseling with is not a predictor of future success. So, as they continue to engage in these confrontations, I patiently wait for the moment they turn to me.
“Oh, hey there,” I’ll say. “How was today for you?” Both individuals often feel disheartened and battered, fearing that their relationship may not endure much longer. I understand their despair as they trudge with heavy steps, downcast gazes, and distant body postures, believing that failure is all they know.
Nonetheless, they have me, the head chef extraordinaire, in their corner. If they persist and keep showing up, they’ll eventually bring the right ingredients to the relationship table. They’ll learn to sidestep unhelpful behaviors, even guide each other away from the metaphorical pickle and towards the potato. That initially burnt casserole may very well be award-winning Sweet Potato Souffle.
And lastly, although I highlighted a lot of the dysfunction and unhealthy behaviors I witnessed today, there was a lot of good too. I’ll share those specifics tomorrow. Take care.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 