The year of the duck has come to an end here on the homestead, and the reflexive responsibility I feel pops like an undeveloped thought bubble. When I’ve thought of their needing food or water, or if they’re well I’ve felt mostly relief with a light dusting of sadness.
Earlier, while preparing a homemade dressing Caesar salad, I accidentally knocked over the figurine of a baby blue Dutch man in overalls and cap, as well as the bonnet and apron-wearing woman he’s kissing. As they lay on their sides, I knew I hadn’t chipped their fragile forms, but it did make me pause. Is it a sign that I’m careless in my own relationships?
I didn’t take time to reflect on that thought because it was dinnertime. However, I did take a snapshot as I felt inspired to share this superstitious behavior with you, or rather, how my mind assigns meaning to random occurrences.
Recently, a younger client shared a self-imposed mathematical equation they use for their food intake. If the resulting solution is “bad,” they punish themselves, and if it equals “good,” they can eat. The rigidity of this individual’s relationship with food intrigued me, prompting me to ask, “When did this start?” They revealed that in a chaotic and volatile home environment, where they were consistently dysregulated and facing no-win situations, this system emerged. It became an internally focused game that provided a security blanket of safety in the midst of life’s storms.
I can’t help but recall similar childhood experiences, such as immersing myself in “The Saddle Club” book series. Escaping into the world of a young girl, I could make that world feel incredibly real. I became her, smelling the freshly flung shavings, feeling the cold on my cheeks, and thrusting my foot into the saddle’s foothold to leap onto my trusty horse for the ride of our lives. It’s remarkable how our internal world can hold such incredible superpowers.
Feeling conflicted about my decision to give a wooden handmaid toolbox to someone on OfferUp, I decided to send a message that pulled at my heartstrings to let the first person decide what to do. “They wrote this: I would really enjoy having this. I come from an old-school family where we take care of our tools, wipe them down, and place them back, not leaving them strewn about. This old box looks really neat, and it reminds me of something my grandfather used. Memories flooded back when I saw this. I would love to take it home.” The response? “Please let them have it. Although it reminds me of the one my Papaw had, I have some of his tools that remind me of him. As much as I would love to have it, my heart is telling me that they need it more than me.” It’s pretty cool how fun passing things onto others can be.
Now, for an update on my Spanish-learning journey. Although it’s not as intense as the classroom-style studying I was doing earlier in the year, I continue to read “Atomic Habits” in Spanish, watch movies, and learn and take quizzes on the Kwiziq app. I’ve reached a point in my learning where I no longer feel like I’m just barely keeping my head above water. I’m taking a few strokes and treading water. The number of full sentences I either understand or can deduce the meaning of through context continues to increase. I love seeing words or phrases that used to frustrate me, like “sin embargo.” I used to hate that phrase so much! “Sin” means without, and “embargo” is no different from its English counterpart. It took a lot of searching and defining to finally understand it, but now I have it down. “However.” It means “however.”
I’m also considering a new system when starting a new book. The problem is that all too often, I pick up a book I’m looking forward to, read a few pages, and then go no further. I get stuck, and in my stuckness, I can sometimes go weeks without engaging in a hobby I genuinely love. So, how about I give this approach a try: How about I read the first couple of pages of five different books and then decide which one grabs me?
Will do!
I hope you have a great day! Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 