“Do I really need such an intense reaction?” I ask myself. It’s a non-workday, and apart from a date to browse vinyl records with Dave at a shop downtown Sumner, my schedule for the week is neatly squared away. It should be a relaxed day.
I’m experimenting with a mindset shift, like being careful when the gears of my mind and body start to rev up. I pause my in-game character, the one tirelessly pursuing level-ups and advancing her storyline. There she stands, a feather in her cap, readying for a leap over a gap in the land, the word “pause” suspended above her, freezing her mid-leap in time.
The takeaway from the course on regulation is to identify the trigger. To pinpoint it. To throw the flag. Blow the whistle. “There! It’s right there.”
One trigger that I don’t yet fully understand involves Evelyn’s escalating cries and the helplessness I feel when nothing I do helps. I bet it’s a similar trigger that happens when I’m working with clients.
I’m ok with her crying and just being with her, but when her emotions intensify and it feels it’s like she’s taking it out on me, attacking me. Well, it feels unjust.
I wonder, is it my reaction to the unjust feelings that causes me to check out and no longer be available for her? Probably.
I have a 7 am virtual counseling session, which since I’m not always awake at that time, I’m on par for an earlier bedtime than usual—perhaps around 10 pm. I’ll likely watch an episode of Ted Lasso, it’s been awhile.
Now that Dave and I are reading the same book we’re competing. It always goes like that too. He or I recommend the book we’re reading, the other person gets it, and instead of snuggling in and reading together, we do the super fast walk-run, and elbow each other saying, “How far are you now? Huh? How about now?”
Once secluded under the covers, typing alone in bed, I find myself with Dave and Evelyn, sharing a bowl of popcorn while Dave watches the Kraken on his laptop. It’s the most stressful part of the game, a last-ditch effort with an empty net to score. Dave slaps his legs and shakes his arms in the air, shouting, “Goooooaaallllll.” “Tied it up with twenty seconds left!”
Privacy in my writing has taken on a new meaning. Anyway, Kraken overtime.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 