“She drew the curtains, and she got into bed, without taking off her clothes or her shoes. She felt ashamed and foolish. She felt covered in failure and she felt sure that people could smell and see it on her.”
While reading earlier, the author of ‘Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow’ couldn’t help but push my face into their writing and demand, ‘You smell that?! That’s what it means to be human!” To which I immediately dropped to my knees, placed both palms up while bowing like Garth and Wayne in Wayne’s World saying, ‘I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy.'”
But then you’ll find yourself at the end of a long dirt path with nothing on but a towel for cover. It’s cold. You sit, dip a toe in the water, and say ‘Eff it” as you flip your towel on a nearby boulder. Pushing your entire body into nature’s scalding water everything tingles. There’s no one else, except you, and the sensation of cupping water and pressing it to your chilled face. The snow-capped ridgeline in May several months from now will recede, but for now, the stark contrast of the feeling you have in this fiery space is wildly wondrous next to the arctic tundra.
I went to that place once, a secret gem my friend Peter took me to. His close to 70-year old body’s condition disallowed him from making the trek to the Lower Spring with me. So I went early in the morning, still with a boy haircut, long chain around my neck, and my birthday suit. This was when I was 34 or so, and thinking back, I remember visiting my first hot spring with my friend Ben at 17. The same person I explored the Nighthawk mine with. It was after seeing two older men unclothed and my friend taking it clothes off, I joined in, loving the feeling of the contrast of my always clothed self in front of others.
How often the naked body gets attached to feelings and expectations? I love that there are spaces where nudity isn’t a thing. Not holding hands over my breasts, or turning my body so the folds of my pubic areas aren’t visible. Who cares, I say, this is me. And I look at people in the eye. Well, except for the one at the hot spring I shared above. There was nothing but the mountain looking back. Little did I know tonight’s post would be an homage to hot springs.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 