I don’t know if it’s the running, the new tight leggings I’m wearing to the Y, or what, but I’m feeling attractive. Like standing back in the mirror and turning my face side to side, running my hands down my sides and legs, and saying, “Yep, I got it.”
I’m not always this way. But there’s something in working out and caring for my body that pairs with my confident self.
I used to thrive on the attention I got from men. Their looks, their comments, their advances – I just loved it. It’s a feeling of invincibility, like on the last day of school that becomes the first day of summer. It’s a step into forever and fantasy all in one.
In my single days, I got addicted to that feeling, which, when I got into relationships, as you might imagine, seemed like shutting down a part of myself. A part of myself I loved and felt so good with.
Earlier, I talked about it with Dave, this desire within me for this feeling, “Can we do like Claire and Phil Dunphy do and meet at a bar and pretend to be other people?” If you haven’t seen the episode, it’s a tad silly as this long-time married couple navigates role-playing with the reality of their lives. And although I wasn’t serious about the exercise, I wonder what owning my sexuality and the attractiveness I feel as a married woman looks like?
Onto other things. We’re heading to the cabin tomorrow, a long overdue trip to the coast. Hopefully, I will find my next book to read, eat good food, and take a couple of long walks on the beach to hit my step goal. Since we’re no longer Airbnb’ing the place, I feel a relief knowing no one stole something, and that no one will burn it down.
I’m digging my daily jog/walk and three-day-a-week intermittent fasting routine. Already 18 days into this new year, it’s nice to have something I feel is sustainable. What’s interesting about this is the time frame I’m working with; a year contrasts with how I used to do diet or exercise. I used to try to jam it into a short amount of time and would inevitably feel pressured, then fail, and disappoint myself. Not now! Even though I’ve not hit the 10,000 mark a couple of days, it’s like water off a duck’s back. I’ll get there when my schedule allows for more time, but for today I did it, did something, and that’s enough.
Well, in tackling the spreadsheet of TV shows we need to get to, the next is “What We Do in the Shadows.” According to the spreadsheet I made, we have 400 minutes to go before we can resume watching “Mrs. Davis,” a wonderful, sci-fi, absurd yet oh so funny show. If you’re interested in our unscientific spreadsheet system because you too suck at following through with a show, let me know.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 