Pow! Off into the sky, soaring past seagulls and eagles, there it goes. Going, going, gone. Goodbye baseball. And every time after that—can you believe it?!—the ball contacts right square in the bat’s center.
Some days, you feel like everything goes your way.
As a therapist, the stars for all my clients in a day rarely align. One patient is in psychosis while another is unsafe in their suicidal tendencies. Finding grounding in it can feel like squaring the sight of a rifle while standing on a boat’s deck in the middle of a storm.
Then things change. Psychosis gets the right medication, a mindset shifts, threats subside, and all at once the waters calm. It’s then I take a breath, on a day like today, and have a boulder-top seat at the top of the mountain. I take out a pretend cigarette, flick the bail on my trusty lighter, puff the end until it’s lit, and eventually, after taking in the view, flick the ash.
Today was a good day, a really good day.
You and I know that today’s mountain is just this mountain, and for tomorrow I’ll need to jam my stuff back into my pack and start up the next one. But since that’s tomorrow Jaclynn’s problem, don’t mind me while I take a second to enjoy the view.
Cigarette smoking is disgusting, by the way, but for some reason, probably from years of watching others on work breaks making it look relieving, the dreamed-up version of myself thinks a cancer stick hits the spot. In actuality, I’d cough until bile came out of my mouth as my face’s color drained to my toes and I’d fall into a puddle in the fetal position on the floor.
Which, by the way, is exactly what happened when my college boyfriend pinched a bit of Copenhagen, and I stuck it in my lower lip. That first body sensation was magical, a wobbly, silly feeling. But then, a room-spinning, food poisoning, regretful agony followed.
One and done with that one.
I sure did like experimenting.
Which made navigating a conversation about alcohol and drugs with a 15-year-old client so meaningful today. Learning the ways they are maintaining limits and aware of the dangers of using substances as a coping mechanism made me hopeful for them and their future.
Shoot! Our friend Patrick is coming over to play the board game Everdel, which usually for me means I get a night to myself. But, that they’re down a couple of guys means I’ll be sitting in.
I need to end writing, get Evelyn out of the bath, and have her teeth brushed in the next ten minutes in order to be ready to go when he arrives.
Lots of love to you on your own climb up the mountain.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 