I guiltily drove my dad’s gas-guzzling pickup truck a handful of blocks to Fred Meyer. I thought about walking but it was cold and I didn’t bring my coat.
Once there, the oddity of a fully dressed fireman, fitted with a helmet, heavy pants, and coat appeared to be climbing up the side of the building. But also staying in place? It wasn’t a moment longer when walking on the sidewalk that I saw it was one of those stunts, to raise money, a big billboard and a guy on a stairclimber.
For whatever reason, I wasn’t into it, and to make the social weirdness less so, I put the phone to my ear. And unlike the prop it usually is, today I actually called someone. For a minute, got off and went onto the sushi case.
Exiting Fred Meyer I didn’t make eye contact with the fireman who was now singing a song. Not unlike a bear juggling bowling balls, I wasn’t that impressed. Who hasn’t seen a juggling bear before?
But not unlike what I do, I became self-conscious when reflecting on my uninterested behavior. Am I turning into a calloused snob? Shouldn’t I –
Here we go again, I think. The expectations I’ve been putting on myself, the after-the-fact overthinking and criticizing myself, have me to the point I just want to run away. Somewhere I don’t have to be around people where I will accidentally say something I’ll regret, and will get me back in that negative loop.
There has to be a fuck it, let’s move on button in me. Something I can do to shut down the criticizer in me. And end all their expectations and perfection bars that ceaselessly tell me to apologize, or be damned. I’m so over it, can someone just fix this for me already?
Here’s the thing, I’m going to overstep. I’m a people person, I’m around people, I say stuff. Social rules aren’t set in stone anyway. What’s right with you is not what’s right with someone else. That any part of me thinks I need to adhere to something invisible is dumb. The basic thing is, I have things I want to say. I will say them. If they are not received well, oh well. That’s on them. I’m done taking on everything in relationships.
Maybe I’ll reconsider later when I’m back on dry land, but for now I have some swimming back to shore to do. Now, if you’ll excuse me.
Love, Jaclynn
PS Here’s a video of the progress on our house.
And of Archie’s guilt after having snuck up on the couch. I like his scrunchy eyes.
Going On 40 