I just want to say I’m not okay. I mean, I am. But kinda not. What I’m stressing most about is these ding-dong kitchen cabinets. The wood stain is so pretty, but I’m unsure if it will contrast with our wood tile-looking floor. Especially if I’m not seeing it in person.
I don’t feel equipped to do all the upcoming things we have to do.
Dave’s sister, Cathy, is flying from Georgia tomorrow to stay with us. Where I’d usually be cleaning the house neurotically, my survival mode tells me I just can’t. My first session is at 10 a.m. in the office, and then I have an hour break before two online sessions. Which means! I could come home and make good use of the pre- and post-hours of those two sessions.
At work, I helped a guy understand the impact of a traumatic event on his life. A significant part of his anxiety is not understanding what happened, and to me, it’s pretty obvious. I find myself slowing down to help him pick up breadcrumbs like I did earlier with Evelyn on the hidden picture page in her Highlights magazine. Did I see most of the hidden images? Sure, but I wanted to let her have the fun.
I hope to paint the back deck this weekend, pressure wash the driveway, take a load to the dump and Goodwill, and finish painting the rest of the overhang. Planting flowers may need to wait until next weekend. Something about writing that plan and knowing I have a whole other weekend to work on prepping the house seems manageable.
I notice this nagging thought that tells me I’m selfish. Not in all relationships, but in certain relationships, like the ones I am not actively talking to right this very minute. What is that about? I think solitude is important and highly valuable to me, but with how connected I am to so many, I tend to sacrifice that time. Even when I get it, there’s a nagging feeling to reach out, which taints my me time.
I love how my friend Kristen filled me in on who she was from the beginning, “I may not respond to you for weeks, it’s not that I don’t care.” And that was that. I’ve had moments of insecurity with her, but she’s there when I need her.
And maybe there’s something to that approach; trusting that if people need me, they’ll reach out.
That helped, thanks for letting me talk that through.
It’s a few minutes before 10 p.m., and laying my head down to sleep early like this would feel good.
Let’s do it! Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 