I don’t do power struggles with Evelyn. Or anyone, for that matter. I lean on this firm boundary in tense moments, like having a referee in a boxing match. Because I know myself. Past a certain point, I may do things I regret.
Like the one time I needed Evelyn to get in the car, and she wouldn’t. Feeling powerless, I was also scared. A road was just feet away, and in my frustration, I feared she’d bolt into it like a scared bunny.
So I grabbed her. This led to her kicking and screaming and me grabbing her tighter to press her resisting body into the vehicle. I even got socked right across the kisser.
Remembering that scene causes my body to stiffen in angst. I hate feeling out of control and using controlling behavior to regain it. It’s a vicious cycle in which chaos and dysfunction reign without boundaries.
Shortly after, I told Evelyn I was sorry. But an apology without change—what good is it? So, I asked her for feedback about how I could change. She said, “If you have a mean voice, you sit down and shape your hands into a heart.”
Relationally, I see her asking me to throw up the white flag. As the larger, more powerful person, it’s my job not to take advantage of her. So, sitting down is the least I can do.
In graduate school, I learned about the influence and power of the counseling role. The hefty load is, as Spiderman says, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Imagine my surprise when looking up the quote’s origin—expecting to find Theodore Roosevelt—and finding a Marvel comic character.
I’m reflecting on a particular session from today, and I believe I mistook the person’s behavior. Their communication felt aggressive and threatening, and so I became stressed. I know now my inability to stay present was unhelpful. But now I have insight into how confusing and discombobulating this is for them.
How do I stay present in the future?
First, this is their pattern, not mine. When I feel adversarial, confused, or like I’m spinning, it’s their stuff. I separate myself. Then, I can validate or reflect back to them what I’m seeing with a “That sounds confusing,” or “Does it feel like you’re spinning your wheels?”
Alright, I’m out of here. I have one more day of in-office work to go, and then I will be a virtual therapist. Woo hoo!
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 