I’m compelled to show up and say, “I’m sorry.” For existing. There’s a quicksand foundation in the place where tethers once stood. The core feeling I get from you, you neglect. So I cower to avoid the side glances and mocking tones, forced to accept the no-win.
I say, “Not okay,” with the gusto of a lacking parental figure, as a swinging key chain rattles inches from my face. It cajoles me to happiness. But I won’t. I am oversaturated by your perspective and the forced demands of empathy. No longer will I become a sacrificial lamb to your slaughter. Madness in the face of death means nothing.
I give freely, not expectedly. I close the door of a heavy gated throne and mark the walls with “Thou shalt not pass.”
I wish I wasn’t a counselor. The writer in me doesn’t want to counsel on the page but wants to break chains, free dragons, and burn cities. Yet I feel the audience’s watch, sneer, and gossip, and I brace. How do I marry my career as a counselor with the writer’s audacity, I wonder?
The answer isn’t a landing spot but a work in progress. I’m doing it by pushing lines while staying within them and screeching across three traffic lanes when I see fit. I’m in a box, and unboxing myself.
To provide an update on the tiny bird’s eggs left unattended in a planter on my back porch, they are now in the house. So is their nest, with a heat lamp over it. Momma Birdie left two weeks ago and never looked back, and I’m unsure how long eggs can be left without heat before they are unviable. Oh, Gooo-gggggllllle!
It could be 7-14 days. Even if they don’t amount to mini dark-eyed juncos, it is a good experience for Evelyn. Speaking of birds, one of my favorite memories is running into two sixty something Audubon members. In pointing out birds and sharing their recent learnings from class with me, one of them pointed to the sky and said, “Ooh, I wonder what that one is.” Following his finger, I saw exactly the bird he was trying to identify, and in the kindest way, said, “Oh, yeah, that. I think that’s a plane.”
You can’t make this stuff up!
Evelyn has been in and out of her bedroom this evening multiple times. It is well past her bedtime, but I support crafts, reading, or other quiet activities. Her latest reason for popping a squat next to me is showing that she could spell the word “the.” Also, in her arsenal, she tells me are mom, dad, cat, no, on, in, dog, and Evelyn. I love how much she loves learning and doing her self-appointed “homework.”
For our drive to Roberta, Dave and I picked out and placed an Amazon order for her off daily presents for the five-plus day drive. They include three Transformers, a kindergarten workbook, a Paw Patrol Guess Who board game, a rubber band design game, and a Tetris-like physical puzzle. I might be more excited about playing with her presents than she’ll be!
Alright, it’s time for me to skedaddle. I hope you’re enjoying the weekend.
Take care.
Love,
Jaclynn
Going On 40 