There’s a tsunami of power rising within. Its surge rips up 100-year-old roots and flicks them to the side with her pinky. I’m riding it, solidly footed, hollering, “Is this the best you got?” Riding the wave of upheaval while diving headfirst into the belly of the beast means owning discomfort. It means moving forward in imperfection and that being okay.
I wrote a post a week or two ago sharing negative feelings about myself. I felt guilty that the people in my life hadn’t chosen someone better to be friends with. A conversation with Kristen the next day, where I explained this, led to her telling me she prefers the clearance section. She prefers the chipped or slightly dinged object and the 80% off price tag.
That image resonated, and my striving to be a better person stopped. I dropped the costume. I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I hurt people. And despite all these things that come with being human, I accept myself. I love myself. And I am showing up for myself stronger and better than ever before. Because I can.
I am a good friend. Good is enough for me.
Striving, striving, striving. No more!
My energy, empathy, and time are mine to give. No longer will there be a hole leaking out of these precious commodities. A Trump-Biden conversation with strangers? I walked away. A person I once blocked who found me on Psychology Today and messaged me got a one-sentence response: “I do not want a relationship with you.” An ex-client’s inability to take responsibility for their behavior? Nah, I don’t have time.
My precious resources are mine to divvy up.
I fear slipping into old habits and that someone will smooth talk, trick, and make me feel like a fool. What then?
I cannot protect myself from others; they will be them. That is not my job. I am to return to the reservoir of resources that lies inside, and drink and be quenched.
And then I can use my stores of energy on what I want. Like how to air condition myself when it’s 100 degrees and humid while in Georgia. An outdoor air conditioning unit reviewers tell me works in less humid climates due to the evaporative cooling, something I know nothing about. I better learn! So then I can apply the knowledge to create the best open-air porch cooling design there is.
That’s all there is tonight. Onto studying verbs and the subjunctive tense in Spanish.
Love ya!
Jaclynn
Going On 40 