It’s one of those nights where I’m in my head. Second-guessing everything I do, tightness in my chest, and a slight void in my eyes. I’m here but not here; I feel sensitive even when mentioning it. But harder is pretending everything is okay when it’s not. Despite feeling optimistic about the house’s progress and being pleased to be on vacation, there are these nagging thoughts that I’m a terrible person.
I think I’m so bad because I sometimes think I’m better than others. In the light of the day the thought definitely is less powerful, but still, I sense the bugger thought just wants me to be perfect. And to love and have compassion for everyone, every single moment for all of time, when that’s not possible.
I’m scared of not being accepted.
At dinner with my new Georgia neighbors/family, one person shared their beliefs about leg hair and disgusting dreadlocked hippies in Asheville, North Carolina. I don’t know why, but their opinion felt personal and I made a point to say, “Then you’ll love to know that I haven’t shaved in over a week.”
Which was true, I hadn’t.
I did shave today! But only after having tacked on another week of hair growth (two weeks total) before trailblazing them to smithereens.
I learned of a meditation and it goes like this: Think of your mind as a pond and of each fish that swims by as an emotion—anger, sadness, confusion, joy. You could also see the thoughts you’re having through the same lens. But remember, as you explore this environment, you are the pond.
Before I go, I have a request: I want your help growing this blog. I want to grow this blog. I’m both nervous and eager to share my content with a broader audience. Before I do, will you not go anywhere? Even if I get super famous and flip my hair over my shoulder as the paparazzi rapid-fire takes snapshots that later create flipbooks of me? You, my most valued and prized reader, who is here with me night after night—you are the one who has built this with me to a point it’s ready to launch.
Let’s do this! (Braveheart running with blue paint on our face time!)
Love always,
Jaclynn
Going On 40 