Like Mary Poppins riding in on an umbrella, malaise floated in, bringing that faraway look that says, “Going, going, gone.” It bids goodbye to the pace and place of today, and in comes the drudgery and sludgery of malaise. It’s like a thick slab of mustardy goo, and if you peel back the sandwich, you’ll see the words: “Nothing matters.” The nihilist’s “nothing” lurks in the corners and shadows, in the early mornings and late nights, and like a sea creature tickling your toes, it gently pulls you down, down, down.
As it draped its tendrils around my shoulders, I ground my coffee beans, ate toast, and wondered why it showed up mid-week through my vacation. My aunt’s death has triggered deep, unanswerable, and scary questions and feelings that I don’t yet know how to handle. In discussing my desire to monetize this blog, I’ve confronted my worth and value, uncovering bedrock insecurities and the belief, “Why try when I’m just going to fail?”
Embracing the Dark Thoughts
Despair and apathy follow because, really, what’s the point? Motivation stops as our true colors are revealed: we don’t care, so why should anything matter? The negative thoughts of malaise, like a black film forming cataracts of dread and doom, can seem impossible to counteract. But like that persistent telemarketer you can’t seem to block, it’s not if emptiness and disillusionment will show up, but when. So, we must embrace it. See it for what it is—tailless donkey bum and all—put your arm around its shoulder, and be present with yourself. Losing steam and feeling like you can’t go on is okay. It’s normal, and sometimes, rest and reflection are needed.
Finding Your Way Back
The first step out of this state can be getting out of your head. Move your body by taking a walk and counting bugs, use your hands to color or paint, or call a friend or family member and reminisce about a positive memory you share. Be absurd even—look in the mirror and make a funny face at yourself, or do a little heel kick in your hallway to remind yourself that life is meant to be fun. The worries and worst-case scenarios are real concerns, but there will be another moment to tend to them—just not in this defeated headspace.
Embrace the uncertainty that often accompanies these feelings. It’s okay not to have all the answers right now. Life’s ebbs and flows are natural, and accepting this can free you from the pressure to always feel productive or purposeful.
Remember, this too shall pass. The weight of malaise can be overwhelming, but it is often temporary. With time, self-compassion, and some absurdity, you’ll find your way back to the light.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 