I’ve got this shaky boulder in my chest. At first, I thought it was just the double-shot of coffee, but it’s been lingering for over an hour now. It’s insecurity—this nagging feeling that sends me combing through the nearest worries in my mind like I’m searching for something hidden, something I never find.
In that state, I become my fears and insecurities: unlovable, too much, disposable.
But none of these feelings were here yesterday. Resting in the hammock, my weight fully supported, I swayed, hands tucked behind my head, with an hour to spare. Spotting two tiny specks up in the clouds, I zeroed in. They looked like fighter jets at first, gliding in sync and speed. Then as I continued to watch, they turned, and I realized it was more likely two turkey vultures, their ascension had them at the highest cloud’s level. Then they floated out of sight, like balloons drifting until they disappeared. Watching them, I felt a kind of peace stretching like freshly chewed bubble gum, grounding me in the gentle give of the hammock and filling my heart like a slow river reaching my limbs.
And in writing that and feeling the memory’s sensations, the angst from paragraph one dissipated, and I found myself caught, supported, knowing that I was more than okay.
It’s Friday, a lazy, feel-good, couch-laying kind of day. Archie’s got his muzzle resting on my laptop but suddenly perks up, circling the couch with his hackles up, whining. I put down my laptop to follow him out to the back porch. Leaning over the railing, I try to hear past the patio music playing, though I can already guess what’s got him stirred up. It’s the coyotes. I didn’t hear them, but from the missing chickens next door, I know they’re out there.
Two days ago, I spotted one. I called my sister-in-law when the chickens started up in a panic. “I’ll get my shotgun,” she said. From the front porch, I watched, and before she got there, something spooked Mr. Wiley, and he was gone, darting out of sight. It’s kill or be killed out here, and for now, we’re still on the winning side.
Take care.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 