The past clings to me like a shadow, haunting me with whispers that chill my bones. I didn’t fully realize how close it was, how much it weighed on me, until shame’s darkness washed over me, and the tears streamed down my face. It felt like I was trapped in it—bearing the blame, like a self-inflicted punishment for my own sins.
But with Dave’s love and understanding, I was able to uncage those haunting memories, finally able to separate them from myself. I can now see their effects more clearly, recognizing how they’ve shaped my view of myself.
This post isn’t meant to be heavy, though. Actually, I feel a lightness today. My parents fly in tomorrow, and we’ll pick them up in Atlanta. I’m especially excited to see the relationship between Dave’s Mom Carol and Paula continue to flourish, and she’ll finally step into Carol’s home, bringing together my in-laws and parents. I’d always dreamed of their having a closeness and that they do, mean a lot to me.
Evelyn’s fifth birthday is in four days, and I want it to be truly special. Dave and I hit up Party City and Joann Fabrics, picking out balloons, streamers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle plates and cups, a little window craft for the kids, and a huge white house cardboard kit for them to color. I saw a TikTok video of a mom who taped streamers across a closed-door frame, filling it with balloons so they’d all tumble down on the birthday kid as they burst through the streamers—definitely adding that to our plan!
That Evelyn! She sure has grown into such a mature, caring, and joyful little person. Her funny dance moves and facial expressions crack Dave and me up, and her ability to critically think about solutions is like watching a NASA engineer work a space shuttle through a dilemma.
I’m still uncertain about the food for her big day, do we take the easy road and just get pizza? One thing’s for sure: chocolate cupcakes and a chocolate cake are definitely happening.
Tonight, all is quiet. Evelyn is asleep, Dave is at the piano, and I’m here writing. It feels nice, and peaceful, and after that discharge of emotion earlier my body and mind feel like calm after the storm. I’m going to soak it in on the couch.
Take care. Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 