I assume the worst of others. Not all the time, but some. When I do, it feels like I’m hiding behind the couch, flashlight in hand, a colander perched on my head, bracing for impact. Nine point nine times out of ten, though, they’re only wielding a Nerf sword, their most dangerous weapon a laugh-inducing tickle monster. But at the moment, it doesn’t matter—my body is tense, my mind hyper-focused, prepared for battle.
It’s exhausting, though. Living on the edge, interpreting neutral glances as sharp daggers, and hearing criticism where there might only be curiosity. What if I didn’t assume malice in every interaction? What if I stepped out of survival mode and gave others the benefit of the doubt? What if I stayed open to the idea that most people, most of the time, are just doing their best?
When I allow myself to believe others’ intentions are good, I feel relief—a softening in my chest and a lightness in my mind. Forgiveness, I’m learning, doesn’t mean excusing hurtful actions or throwing myself back into harm’s way. It doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen. Forgiveness is about loosening the grip that hurt has on me, refusing to let it define my now and my future.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve faced is realizing I may never get the apology or understanding I crave. Forgiveness, then, becomes something I do for myself—a decision to unchain my peace from their accountability.
Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event. It’s a daily practice, like loosening a knot until it no longer binds me. Some days, the knot tightens back up, and the effort feels like starting over. On other days, it’s easier, almost automatic. Over time, though, forgiveness becomes less about you and more about me—about protecting my peace, my softness, and my ability to stay open to life.
Now for my three gratefuls. I’m grateful for the phone call with my Aunt Tracy and Uncle Randy and them telling me about the birth of another granddaughter. I’m grateful for my super hot bath that took the chill off my body. I’m grateful for Juan, a YouTube Spanish teacher, and how helpful and fun his lessons are.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 