I love conflict—well, as much as one can love it in a healthy, productive way. I’m not into the no-holds-barred, low-blow, tantrum-throwing, “I’m not talking to you” punishment kind.
During a recent counseling session, as I was educating a client on positive conflict and how to navigate it, I thought, “Dang, you know your stuff.”
People fear conflict because they’re bad at it. They enter a conversation needing something—validation, resolution, connection—but somewhere along the way, they abandon it because it’s too hard. They feel defeated, misunderstood, or overwhelmed, so they shut down or lash out. But conflict itself isn’t the problem. It’s how we engage with it that determines whether it becomes a bridge or a battleground.
Fighting fair matters. And the truth is, the other person—who’s usually someone we care about—wants to win too. If I want to be understood or create change, you need to feel like you’re winning, even in a small way. Sometimes, that’s as simple as offering a moment of praise or gratitude—just enough for our sense of self to do a little victory heel kick.
The real breakdown happens when we expect the other person to comply just because we think they should. Oh, really? they’ll think. I’ll show you what I actually have to do.
To get someone to join with you, you have to understand what they want, and what motivates them. A successful negotiation isn’t about overpowering—it’s about relational attunement, where both people are depositing into each other’s bank accounts.
And sometimes, that means setting aside what you need. Conflict resolution isn’t about two people jockeying for position, each gripping their needs like bargaining chips. That’s not resolution—that’s a power struggle. And power struggles are a fast track to dysfunction. But when you recognize that putting aside your need—at least for the moment—is a relational gift rather than a loss, everything shifts. It becomes less about winning and more about understanding. And that? That’s how you turn conflict into connection.
I appreciate you stopping by! Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 