When the construction site’s floodlights spilled into every window, I woke instantly. It’s amazing how quickly the senses flip on when the environment shifts. Even before the sound came, I felt my body retract, bracing. Not even three seconds later—boom. A cannon-blast thunderclap.
Southern storms feel almost theatrical, like a movie production team is outside with a wind machine, slamming against every wall of the house and dumping bucket after bucket of water.
What wasn’t funny was imagining my poor little sugar snap peas, their tendrils clinging desperately to a not-so-secure fence, uprooting and drifting off into the great beyond—like Dorothy’s house at the start of The Wizard of Oz.
At daybreak, I shuffled to the porch to assess the casualties. Surprisingly, the structure had held. Still, taking no chances, Dave and I borrowed a few posts and a post driver to keep my future storm-watching self at ease.
I like writing blog posts. But lately, I’ve felt the pressure of obligation mixed with the nagging belief that I don’t have anything interesting to say. It’s an apology I want to give the reader—for wasting their time.
I’m glad I mentioned that. It’s a feeling I have when speaking in general. Not always, but enough. I wish being self-conscious wasn’t a thing. But what is self-consciousness, really? For me, it’s observing myself with a judgmental posture.
How do I observe myself with curiosity instead of judgment? Just asking the question brings a subtle, calmer shift. I can see now how much I want to entertain you, to give you a reason to return. Is it because I fear losing you? Maybe that’s the root of it—this need to prove I’m worth sticking around for. But that’s exhausting and runs counter to the security I have in who I am.
Instead of worrying whether I’m holding your attention, I’m choosing to follow my own—and let that be enough. Trusting myself isn’t always easy, but I’m committed to pushing through this inner resistance, showing up, having fun, and sharing life with you. This is something I love, and I’m deeply grateful for it.
See you next time.Love,
Jaclynn
Going On 40 