Do you remember the “Wake Up, America” guy? He was that comedian with a heavy Texas drawl who’d start his rants with, “You know what really chaps my hide?” and “You know what really boils my biscuits?” I think it was on country music stations back in the day. Anyway, that old phrase popped into my head while I was gripping the handle of a Sam’s Club cart. The impulse? To just leave it in that dashed-off space—the one that’s not really a space, already home to a stray cart. But then I looked around and saw the rightful spot—ten parking spaces away, across the lot. Cue dramatic sigh.
You know what really chaps my hide? You know what really boils my biscuits? It’s the placement of shopping cart return spots! Why are they always half a football field away from the store—and from where I park my car? And why do they make the workers get their five thousand steps in just to bring them back? It’s madness.
I’ll admit, I might be a little extra about this, but that YouTube guy who hunts down cart abandoners—grilling them, chastising them, and morally pressuring them into compliance—yeah, he can go kick rocks. It’s just shopping carts for crying out loud.
Sometimes, I wonder if the draftsman who designs grocery store lots was an intern—smoking pot between plotting lines, dreaming of getting off work to see his new girlfriend. And yet, here I am, trying to decide whether to walk my cart back or leave it in the “not-really-a-space” spot. So, yeah, maybe I’m overthinking it. But hey, it’s the small things, right?
I’m so tired. And yet, I got to spend time with my favorite gal pal in virtual reality land. That’s right—my good ol’ friend Kristen. We talk weekly, if not every other week, on the phone, and just today she told me about her cat Sevro and his jerk paw swats at her dog Jasper. Since Archie and her dog are close in age, we often talk about dogs, and I shared how our new bunny boops Archie in the leg, which makes him move and bark at it, only for the bunny to do it again and again. Poor Archie will have just settled into a spot, only to get booped and have to move again.
Anyway, there’s been talk of her coming to visit, but nothing’s set in stone yet. So while I wait, I told her I wanted to hang out with her in VR. And even though we’re just arms and heads, with our voices floating in the virtual space between us, we had fun being silly. We poked at the guy in between us and played with all the props, like laser guns, spinning tops, and remote-controlled alien ships. Virtual reality, especially playing poker, is super fun. And although it’s play money and I’m sure Kristen didn’t care, I cared. I didn’t want my friend to lose.
She ran out of money after two hours, so we had to bid each other adieu. Although it’s not exactly the same as in person, it was a step in the right direction.
Good day.
Love,
Jaclynn
Going On 40 