This morning’s session was about a line—
a boundary between when something genuinely needs addressing and when we’re slipping into unnecessary drama. We separated thoughts from emotions, and sitting with the feelings was valuable.
And right now, I’m caught on that same border—an emotional insecurity dance about whether I should even put any of this down for today’s post.
Shutting down or disallowing expression, in whatever form, is always a problem. Why? Because nothing is inherently wrong with our thoughts or feelings. They’re usually temporary—an insecurity story surfacing—or they’re simply pressure that needs release, like a too-hot tea kettle needing to vent. When we block that process, strong-arm it, or try to control it, we communicate a “not-okay-ness” to ourselves. When the truth is: it is okay.
I want to be better to myself here. This emotional push-and-pull, this instinct to shut down, is also affecting my patience and support for Evelyn.
She notices my frown, sees and feels my dark clouds, and I feel guilt and shame for being out of sorts. I don’t want to hand that down to her.
The shutting down, the dismissal, the pushing through, the “It’s not that big of a deal”—
That’s what I’m trying to unlearn.
I want everything to be okay. And also, I don’t want to pull anyone else into these internal tornadoes.
So how do I keep myself accountable?
When I push through, I become a bull in a china shop. Anyone nearby gets nicked by my horns. I lose empathy and go numb, moving through the motions of the bare minimum. Usually, I have to remove myself entirely because I don’t trust myself not to cause harm.
Is this just being human—something unchangeable?
On one hand, yes. The storm arrives whether I like it or not.
But on the other hand, my presence with the storm—my willingness not to fuse with it or let it steer—is where I can improve.
And where I will.
Love always, Jaclynn
Going On 40 