I told Dave I needed him today — another small step of my feet inching toward security in another person, toward trust, toward healing. Outwardly, those words are the most fragrant, vibrant blooms in the bunch, but I know the pricks of the thorns that stood — and still stand — in my way.
To depend on someone feels like a trust fall into a never-ending black hole. There is an echoing No from the depths of all that I am — and still, these are the people I attract, and am attracted to. Like a fish caught in a net, I’ve flopped and longed to be safe again: swimming, breathing, free. My old metaphor — the ocean as independence, relying solely on myself — has been met sharply with the suffering that comes from being forced onto land.
I will not grow if I am forced. But I must still push myself. Each and every day. I gulp, I fantasize, I breathe deep. I stand on the ground I’ve already built, and from there I challenge myself one inch more.
I once believed the goal was complete self-reliance, and for a time, it was. Today, I am learning dependence on others — to soften the bitterness inside myself, to value the hands that catch me when I fall. I am a work in progress, without question, and I am working. One moment at a time.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 