You know that feeling when you can’t quite catch your breath? Not in the deep, satisfying, fill-your-lungs-all-the-way kind of way, but the opposite. Like something gets stuck. Your breath turns short, worry creeps in, and your eyes dart around as if pleading with the air gods to give you a break.
That’s how I was with water just now. From a large straw I pulled in swig after gulping swig, but the relieving sensation never came. Sand. It was as though I’d drunk sand instead.
Not having health insurance is my plight. Owning my own business and making just squeakily above the line where the good healthcare subsidies kick in means I’d be paying full price. A price that, with our actual usage of doctors and such, would turn into a steady debt every month.
I feel like I have to explain and defend this choice because not many people understand it. They have health insurance. Why wouldn’t you have it?
But I’ve gone twenty-something years without it. Waitressing, poker dealing, and being a therapist are not those cushy corporate or stable jobs where you work for the man, and the man works for you.
I’m grateful for my health. And I’m grateful for Dave’s Premera insurance during pregnancy. But now we’re without it, and however much of a headache it is to call around, ask for consultation prices, and do my due diligence, that’s just how it works.
I need an ear, nose, and throat specialist. And even the initial consultation—does that guarantee me a diagnosis? Or will I come back for a second visit, and a third?
The fear is that I’m being taken advantage of. Well, my money is anyway.
So this part—the calling and researching, jotting down the ins and outs, and the receptionist saying “I’m not sure what that costs” (even though it feels like they should know, and it doesn’t help me whatsoever)—this is part of the process.
And I’m a bit scared.
From what I’ve read, it could be cancerous. It doesn’t move. It’s been there for a couple of years.
And yeah.
I’m scared. But also, not. I’ll just take it a step at a time. Which is all I can do.
Thanks for being here. I’ll make sure to keep you posted.
Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 