On the drive home, my mind replays the countless stories of clients. It’s hard to tell which stories are my own. With the state of my mind bursting through a dam, I vent into a voice recorder on my phone.
“This is why you follow the rules. When you go outside them, there’s no script. You’ll be selfish and out for your own interest. You didn’t listen, did you? You colored outside the lines. Who do you think you are taking advantage of other people? You have no right to feel disappointed. You created this.”
I am in the bath. The strength those words had in my mind lessened as I said them out loud and lessened still more as I wrote them here.
It’s as though a pointing finger tried pushing me into a box that I no longer fit in.
Don’t go gentle into that dark night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day,
Rage, rage, against the dying of the light.
I push myself back to standing, upright like a soldier, proud. I will face it all, and nothing will stop me.
Love always,
Jaclynn
Going On 40 