The Pressure Is On

The play being called when my high school third base coach pantomimed taking a bite of something, was to intentionally get yourself caught in a pickle. However in the entire season, it’s obviousness rarely got shown, we used the play once or twice.

I get into pickles with myself. My head spun after receiving a dancing-around-the-subject – C’mon say it already! – email. Did they want a power struggle? To express a need? Or is their processing off? I wonder. Since I didn’t know, my inner counselor’s try at untangling the message only entangled it more.

Entanglement, I am indebted to a therapist for teaching me this word. After a long-term relationship filled with chaos, pain, and regrets ended, I desired – almost thirstily so – to understand myself.

Reading the criteria I see how each one was at play; communication breakdown, over-emphasis on sex (over time), angry outbursts followed by distancing, emotionally shutting down, one or both tend to feel victimized by the other, withholding the truth, an obsessive need to stay connected motivated by a fear of abandonment, and one of both are not able to set boundaries.

In studying attachment in relationships, I also know these behaviors result from having a disorganized attachment.

But with time, support, and healthy goal-setting, I/we grow into enjoying more secure attachments.

And being a badass pressure washer person! The stain I should never have put on the pressure-treated decking chipped off like poorly painted fingernails earlier. Blasting the flakes into smithereens felt wounderous, as did obliterating the darkened green and black mold spots. Although most might call the work I did complete, I’m confident it was only Phase 1. Now, will the gas tank have what it takes for Phase 2 tomorrow? Time will tell.

With a 99% chance of rain, and a 100% chance of my spray techniques dousing myself, I will get wet. But like in the splash zone at a marine mammal show, I say, bring it on!

I’ve heard that some people don’t think. Is that a rumor? Ooh, it’s called aphantasia, otherwise known as “blindness of the mind’s eye”. Interestingly these individual’s IQ are slightly higher than the general population, and scary stories have far less impact due to an inability to visualize. I could have used this condition while terrifying myself silly with all those Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark.

I’m in a state where I’m reminding myself it’s not serious. As thought after thought try to take their grievances to the Supreme Court of my mind, and due to responding in kind – as if Roe vs Wade will be overturned – it’s all no longer working for me.

So I’m downvoting these thoughts to The People’s Court with Judge Wapner where it’s all about entertainment after a long day’s work vibes.

Like I said, Phase 2 tomorrow.

Time to do a bit of reading in front of this roaring hot fire before bed. Thanks for dropping in, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Love, Jaclynn

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