I flipping love my job. Today, I was told, “Effing Jaclynn, so you’re saying I need to…” And what they needed to do was what they already knew they needed to do, but didn’t want to do—yet are going to do it anyway. The masterful storms in our psyche and unconscious make it nearly impossible to navigate the waves. Still, after an hour together, tending to the uprising pains and tumult, there was an opening. A wave to catch. So out came the hang-loose fingers, and a tongue flapping out, as we caught the big one in for a ten out of ten.
I’m on that high. That was some meaningful and fun stuff we just did, even though for most of the hour it was tremendously tough and uncertain.
I’ve been paying close attention to needs. Every 10-15 minutes, I consciously ask myself, “What are they needing?” At times, it feels like a buried pea under a thousand densely coated mattresses. The tiniest squeak in the room. That need is nowhere in sight. And often, that’s because in the chaos of the past, the trauma and wounds. Needs in that space? Scoff. There’s none of that there for you.
So, something current sets off a dynamite explosion that invites in one’s history. It’s as if they’re living in the present, yet experiencing it as if it were decades in the past. The upheaval means immersion in those pains, and disallows any insight into the self’s needs.
Needs. I keep thinking it. Again. What is their need here? To be heard. To be prioritized, important, to matter. To have a genuine interaction. To have someone stick with them. Their needs mirror my own. And when we can open up to each other, despite the past’s monsters breaking down the door, it’s as if they can finally rest.
Sometimes, in those moments, I wonder about my own needs—whether I’m willing to be vulnerable enough to fully recognize them. Because I know that to help someone else open up, I must be willing to show up, to be present in my own discomfort. I need to be as real with myself as I try to be with them. And that’s the hardest part, isn’t it? To let ourselves feel the weight of all that we carry, yet still show up for others, with an open heart, ready to listen. I think that’s the real work—figuring out how to meet my own needs so I can be fully present for the needs of others.
PS: Earlier, Dave told me Beach Boy Brian Wilson died. Was that how the surfing reference came into my mind? As Brian signs off his posts, I’ll do the same.
Love and Mercy,
Jaclynn
Going On 40 