As comments piled beneath my TikTok video, I went into overdrive—delete, block, repeat. But with six clients stacked back-to-back, barely minutes between them to ground myself, I had to call it. For my sanity and security, I shut off the comments.
Turning them off meant certain death—at least in algorithm-speak. TikTok rewards comments: Ooh, people are engaging, let’s push this further. But sometimes it’s not about visibility. My priority is my work—and protecting the mental space I need to do that work.
This so-called side hobby had started shaking the ground under me. Drawing a line felt like relief.
The feeling reminded me of something chilling years ago. I was solo traveling when a friend sent me an article about women like me—women who hiked, biked, hitchhiked, traveled alone. At first, I felt pride. These were my people. I felt the bad-assery, the empowerment, the I can do anything in my bones.
Then the article shifted. It laid out statistics: women like me, murdered, disappeared. And worse—the why. In society’s eyes, we were disposable. Not people. Just bodies to use, discard.
I remember sitting in my car at a rest stop in northern Utah, the world spinning around me. The beliefs I’d held about my safety flipped—like a compass gone wrong. North to south. Suddenly, I wasn’t just vulnerable. I was a target. Simply for being me. Simply for doing something of value.
And I remembered the times it was almost true. Twice, men older and stronger isolated me. My heartbeat pounded like it wanted out of my chest. Both times, I got away. But what stayed burned into me was the look. The way his hands rubbed together. The way he slid closer every time I slid away. The way my no meant nothing—and by extension, I meant nothing.
For someone who fiercely values herself, it was like Alice falling down the rabbit hole into a place where I didn’t matter. And that’s exactly what resurfaced earlier. That same dehumanization.
And it’s gross. And I hate it.
And fuck you to anyone who ever makes me feel that way again.
Love always,
Jaclynn
Going On 40 