\With only the lamp on my office desk turned on, I looked at my reflection in the virtual waiting room where I hold counseling sessions and thought, “This isn’t Delilah Radio Hour, with soft sounds and soft words,” and needing to set a mood, I stood and flicked on the two lights.
Spilled on the table are kernels of Boom Chicka Pop popcorn. I snuck the bag out of the “to go with us” pile.
Every so often, paranoia’s leathery fingers curl and tighten around my neck. I hate her chill, her worried words, and I’d like nothing more than to send her on her way. But her power cowers me. I slump my shoulders in anticipation of her tongue-lashing. Have at it, I tell her. I want to hear what you have to say.
So I wait. And I hear nothing. Except for the pound in my heart. A tenseness in my neck. The commercial break screen of the in-progress baseball game. What appears to be my heart quickening is an indicator that something must be wrong. But is it?
Maybe someone’s perception of me shifted. Maybe I said too much, or not enough. Maybe I’m being misunderstood.
I don’t want to overthink this one, and so I’ll say no. My relationships are my lifeblood. They are varied and vast, and from them, I gain inspiration, accountability, and a depth of love I know has grown me into a person I once dreamed of becoming.
Uh oh. Look at me being sentimental and vulnerable, and imperfectly, perfectly me.
I really think I’m starting to love myself. Growing in it, swimming in it, gulping down its lovely nectar. I see how I set the pace, the conversations I have, what I choose to act on (and what I don’t!). I have such trust in myself that I’ve never had before. And having it feels like an all-access movie pass or something.
Anyway, enough of that. I’m so, so, so excited about our trip. Tomorrow we’ll drive six hours, with the time changing back an hour on the drive into Kentucky. A cabin at Horse Cave KOA will be our first stop. To check out our bare-bones digs: two bunk beds, a microwave, and a mini fridge, with the bathroom facilities outside just across the street. Also, this Holiday KOA, the second tier of the three-tier fanciness scale, has mini golf, a jump pillow, and a playground. Plus, cars have to go 5 miles per hour, and there will likely be kids playing all over, letting Evelyn just go and have fun all the better.
So yeah, I’ve got to finish up my nightly tasks, like changing the bunny’s litter and packing a few things in the car. I wish I had a bit more time in the morning, but with wanting to get a run in before taking Archie to the boarding place, my time frame is now.
Off to it!
Love, Jaclynn