Eff Off Fear

I center myself, take a breath, look around the room, and think, Is there anything I need? Music, I need music. So I say, “Hey, Google. Play Music.” The response comes, “Sure, music on YouTube Music. Here you go.” And it plays. And I breathe in and then out, another purposeful breath.

I had a day; the kind where decompressing is necessary. I need to not; to not think, do or push myself. I need to settle the raciness in my chest and send the could’ve, would’ve, and should’ves to the corners of the ring. 

Except for music, this is a time of quiet reflection and sinking into the chair. I ponder a client’s fantasy of packing up their pickup truck, driving to a farm in Wyoming, and renting a shack. But it was a short-lived thought, “My family will come looking for me.” Or would their mind go looking for them? I posed the idea. They shrugged.

I fantasize about changing a picture on the wall or adding a blush pink couch to the couch. My dreams are shrinking; is that because so many have come true?

My Spanish skills continue to improve, and for all I don’t know, there’s much I do. At the rate I’m going, fluency is not far from reach. What an exhilarating feeling it is; I’ve known it before. On a two-hour taxi ride from Jaco to San Jose in Costa Rica fifteen years ago, I spoke Spanish the entire drive and the day prior, a shop owner had asked if I lived in the area. My Spanish was good, like really good.

I wish I hadn’t killed off the language after that. Regardless, I am sure grateful to be giving it life again.

I watched Modern Family in Spanish with Spanish subtitles this morning and read aloud a textbook in Spanish this evening. It’s hard though – not the learning – but the needing to do it perfectly part.

How do I settle? Settle into Spanish as I have in this seat?

Although the fear of failing is great, what if failure isn’t possible? What if I learn, and learn, and learn and grow, and grow, and grow. What if I don’t allow myself to quit ever again?

On the topic and to end this post, here is one of my favorite quotes.

​​”I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” Frank Herbert, Dune

Love, Jaclynn

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