What to talk about tonight? The rain? The double-booking an hour and how shitty that feels? The not knowing what I want to write about. I’m breaking patterns, and feeling unsafe and uncomfortable is essential for growth.
I felt removed from writing tonight and a longing. I don’t know what it is about music, but isn’t it magical? Insert headphones and the random, never heard by me song “Was Magician” by This is the Kit. It’s a relaxing song with two female lead singers staggering their words just so.
Another song. It started with a piano, a couple of keys, and a couple of others flicking back and forth. Insert a violin. And now they are playing together. Long pulls on the violin, and although I can’t see the person playing it, I can imagine it. I love watching a person play the violin; it’s like being part of a mini-love affair.
I’m in the market for a rowing machine.
Evelyn came to the car when I pulled into the garage, and although she’s three months shy of age 3, I sometimes see a mini adult in her. Trying to slug my laptop carrier over her shoulder, but with the poundage too great, I fielded the weight as she carried just the strap.
I’m incredibly grateful for my life. All of it; the pain, longing and uncertainty, and aging. All of it. My hands rest on the keyboard as if taking a final bow—nothing more to say than that, I suppose.
I’m trying to break out of my usual editing routine. I want to present my writing closer to its raw, more vulnerable form, filled with thoughts, questions, and ponderings. Less polished, more something else. Something me?
We’ll see.
Love,
Jaclynn
Going On 40 