My thoughts are a log jam damming up the flow of my mind. In trying to simplify the complicated mess relationships can be, I got stuck. Mostly I feel bad about myself. Like, who am I anyway, just a pompous, egotistical slime bag.
A wee dramatic, perhaps? But that’s how my self-talk works; it backs me into a no-win corner where I must admit what a piece of shit I am.
Another log just came. Tending to an abscess on Archie’s leg, I noticed black skin pigment and multiple bumps. There was pus, but it didn’t burst as I expected. When Dave mentioned cancer, and after some googling, it looks like to know for certain, the next step is a biopsy.
And then another log. After asking Evelyn for quiet in processing all this, she looked at me and started banging on a toy.
I just wanted to fall onto the floor like a rag doll and cry as heavily as crashing waves. I have never spanked Evelyn and never will, but with how backed into a corner I felt tonight, I saw an image of myself doing it.
Thankfully, Dave tagged in, and I took to the keyboard.
Hopefully, there’s an opening at the vet in Ocean Shores tomorrow.
I’ve had bad experiences with the dogs I’ve owned; from hitting one in the head with a car door and it dying shortly after to another getting hit by a car.
I’ve had Archie for almost six years now and I don’t even think of what I’d do without him. He’s the best boy.
I’ve told him that when he’s old and gray, and I have to make that decision, I’ll be with him, hugging and kissing him and letting him know he’s loved. I really can’t go through something like that now. It’s not time.
Well, shoot. I don’t know what else to say except, some days are harder than others.
Take care. Love, Jaclynn
Going On 40 