Previous I knew I would not allow it to happen again. With just the right internal key, something in me had finally Rubik’s-cubed itself into clarity—not loudly, not triumphantly, but with a quiet internal click. A recalibration. The dusted fingerprints show: I no longer abandon myself. With tightly pressed sound-blocking earmuffs on, I take myContinue reading “Autopsy of the Self (Book Part 37)”
Tag Archives: Life
Shattering A Illusion (Book Part 36)
Previous I’m often assaulted by my own physiology. The external world is my puppet master — its thick, hairy hand pulling at my strings as I move, speak, perform. Then, after, I scurry off behind the curtain, hyperventilating backstage with my head between my legs, the crumpled brown paper bag rapidly filling and emptying. TheContinue reading “Shattering A Illusion (Book Part 36)”
Alright, Alright, Alright
What’s funny is, I used to not write. I loved it, but didn’t do it. I’d go months thinking about it—like a lover across the sea I couldn’t touch. I romanticized and idealized, falling madly deeper into a delusion. Head over heels with an idea. Which was fine, except I wasn’t actually writing. Now IContinue reading “Alright, Alright, Alright”
Dreaming In Color
Every time I walk by the new-to-me treadmill, I swear I hear its syrupy judgments. “All that downtime, staying barefoot? Can’t put on some tennis shoes? Looks like someone’s avoiding me.” It sits there, looming—watching me when I breeze into the office, when I sit down to schedule clients, or when I casually pass byContinue reading “Dreaming In Color”
Wishin’ and Hopin’
What’s your superpower? Mine? Hang on. I just asked the question—give me a second. It’s not breadmaking. I proudly baked two loaves and tried to gift the second to my neighbors, only to find both houses already had fresh loaves of their own. Like, straight-out-of-the-oven. It’s not pushups, or weeding, or practicing Spanish, unless “yoContinue reading “Wishin’ and Hopin’”
A Strange Reflection (Book Part 34)
Previous Exhausted, frustrated, and pretty damn angry that nothing—not one thing—has felt satisfying, I pull off the highway into Fargo. I take a back road into town and park outside a nondescript bar glowing with tired neon. Inside, I slide onto a high-backed wooden chair at the bar. No one else is here. After aboutContinue reading “A Strange Reflection (Book Part 34)”
The Mask They Built (Book Part 31)
Previous I’ve been writing this book for fourteen years. Terrifying feelings acting like imagined “Do Not Enter” signs have often felt real enough to stop me cold. Sometimes I could only manage a paragraph. A page a month. Honesty is required. But real honesty—the kind that pricks one’s finger and draws blood—shook me to myContinue reading “The Mask They Built (Book Part 31)”
Errands of the Heart
The internet and its comments never fail: “Do you ever think about how scary it is that Earth is just a floating ball in the middle of space… but we still have credit scores?” Isn’t that some crazy business? Today was a day of catching up on the buggery things that usually get swiped away—kindContinue reading “Errands of the Heart”
Breaking the Surface
The urge to write mounts like lava beneath the surface—little bubbles and steam venting into my thoughts and feelings. I’ve heeded its call enough to know when the giddiness and the wiser, more shareable thoughts reach their peak and need release. Right now, I’m in land-sculpting mode. With my trusty Gorilla Cart and lifetime-warranty, all-metalContinue reading “Breaking the Surface”
Liquid Courage (Book Part 22)
Previous I have a leftover baggie of cocaine in the cup holder in my car. The image is a spotlight that illuminates the darkness in my mind. Gone is the pressure of not knowing what to do. To Jason, I simply say, “You ready to go? I am.” He chugs the rest of the drinkContinue reading “Liquid Courage (Book Part 22)”
Going On 40 