A Grind

Being in my mind can be like walking around in a minefield, and it’s the what’s wrong with me thought that sets off the mine, otherwise known as a self-hating domino effect. 

And, as you might imagine, what follows is a flash-flood of unsafe emotions (not unlike the time I drove in a blizzard through the Rockies), and then I get stuck- holding my breath and white-knuckling it until somehow, somewhere I can find relief.

But the answer to what’s wrong with me is usually not fun, and one of the usual suspects; that I’m stupid, that I’m judgmental, that I’m ignorant, or that I’m cold. Which only adds more fuel to the fire.

Unfortunately for me, this has been taking place while I’m on freaking vacation! 

As I’m writing, I’m dipping in and out of listening to talk given by Alan Watts. If you happen not to have heard of him, he was a philosopher and writer, and serendipitously, the information he’s presenting fits in line with what I just mentioned.

“So you got to meditate in such a way that you identify with your higher self. How do you do that? Well, you start by watching all your thoughts. Very carefully. You are watching your feelings, watching your emotions. So that you begin to build up a sense of separation between the watcher and what is watched, so that you are as it were no longer carried away by your stream of consciousness, you remain the witness impassively impartially suspending judgment and watching it all go.”

It’s been a heavy day for various reasons, but mainly, it’s because our dog died. For this reason, I’m going to bow out and call it a night. 

Rest in peace Izzy. 

Love, Jaclynn