How is it possible to feel like I’m drowning and want to escape life’s constant demands while at the same time picking myself up and plugging away instead?
Is it the responsibility I feel towards other people? Do I know the feeling will likely be temporary? Or is it that by now, even if it’s infrequent, I know the drill?
Except for the pointed headache pulsing an inch above my right eye I’m doing pretty well now.
But last night and this morning I wasn’t.
I enacted my “all systems failing” contingency plan. I mean, I don’t actually have a plan. It’s just that whenever I hear myself say aloud or in text – It’s too much. I want to quit. I feel hopeless and want to hide in a cave – there’s an awareness that I’ve reached my breaking point.
The three-hour break from work provided a perfect time to regroup. Part of it was spent sprawled out on a queen-sized quilt in the grass in 65-degree weather having a picnic with my family.
Our pet duck tried to join in but Archie dog wasn’t having it. He thought Sue T. Bird was eyeing his slobbery stick and chased him off. Spoiler alert: He wasn’t.
Anyway, I have takeaways from my experience.
First, when I leave my office, specifically after I pause to think if I’ve left anything, I plan to shut the door behind me harder than usual. The sound will signal to me that my workday is over. And then, from that moment forward, it’ll become my time.
Second. I am sick of managing my relationships with others. Do you know how much mental space I give to caretaking, mending, rehashing, replaying, and roleplaying for imagined scenarios that may or may not happen? Too effing many. And I’m done doing it.
I appreciate this much-needed redirect. It came at a perfect time. Right before the ducklings come, and they are coming. The MIA woman is no longer MIA. My message of, “I’m surprised I haven’t heard back from you, especially since you’ve been so responsive.” Five minutes later, boom! “So sorry. My grandkids–” Blah, blah, blah.
Lady! Tell someone who cares. In the meantime, gimme my duckies!!!
That’ll do ‘er for tonight. I’m grateful to have my sanity back.